3.14.2015

so weak, so disappointing


kl.0830: The first alarm sounds like a teacher, who is very kind and somewhat fastidious. I never ignore it. So today, I woke up only to rediscover the fact that I am still not in any good shape to battle with the disobedient eyelids. Snooze alarm had to be set up; I act surprised every time. 



kl.0915: I hate the early-morning I; so weak, so disappointing! 



kl.1230: Trying to gain some weight is not as easy as you might think. I lost so much during the Christmas and New years, that now I feel invisible at times. The wind had been particularly strong last week, I felt like a leaf. A leaf is an insignificant amount, while 7 kilograms is a lot of atoms. Lunch was heavy. Long live turkeys! 



kl.1810: Being in gupatabaas is a strange stimulation of the needy-distraction-muscles. 



kl. 2145: The romantic appeal of alcohol-free life is much to do with the dislike for outnumbering human commotion and noises. But it also might have a lot to do with the need for silence on a friday. Living 50 meters away from the new 'hispterlane' doesn't bother the mind. My music is just as loud. I feel so dignified in my lack of alcoholic interests. If my mother knew I'd be like this one day, I don't think 'being grounded' would have been implemented so frequently. But then again, it was hardly ever successful. Rebellion always starts out young and injurious. 



kl. 2330: The more I read that is disguised as studying, the less I rebel. The more I am required to stay away from distractions, the more logic collapses. But discipline is vital. I shall not smoke more pot tonight.  



kl.2355: Breaking primary rules is more exciting than letting go of secondary ones. 


kl.0140: If misspelling other's name is a deadly sin, then what is misspelling your own name? 


kl.0231: [ Not late night, but early morning surfing] Just read the news that a 30 year old psychiatric patient in Lovisenberg sykehus hit an employee with a crowbar, stole the keys and ran away. 'The police are considering the man dangerous'. Is that man really dangerous, or maybe he just have had enough of staying in on a friday? But yeah, I hope someone finds him soon. It is kinda cold out there.  









Hamish Heath



3.11.2015

carrots, please


kl.1130: Meet pinchi: an old man struggled to stand or sit properly in the trikk today. Through out the ride I held out my hand and stayed in stand-by position, across the aisle from him, to stop him from falling over during turns and high speed. I felt so sad seeing him commute alone when he looks like he should not. My nose pinched and as usual tears followed. A stranger looked at me. I had to fake a yawn. Haray shiva! 

kl.1800: It used to be 20 feet, now I can't even read what is 6 feet ahead. It is high time I start eating carrots again, or wear glasses.

Kl.2130: These days slowly digging into instagram is fun. The whole joy of it isn't trying to compete with the selfie-whores, but rather relish the candour. There is possibility to create a sense of how people are, how they think and to some extend who they would like to think they are through the pictures posted. Sometimes you know people mislead you. That is exciting, the misleading channels. 

kl.2330: I have started to meditate again; that doesn't make me spiritual though. 

kl,2345: Try not to hate alternatives, they keep you going. Or growing. 

kl.0015: I noticed I am blocked.

kl.0120: Sex is circles and slowly. Familiarity breeds security. But there is fun involved as no one is the same after a little game. 

kl.0215: 'Close your eyes, touch your breast, rub your thighs and say my name'. Is that all? 

kl.0310: I have finally announced the guptabaas. I shall come here to pander though.



Cody VanderKaay

2.20.2015

let me punish you




Our emotional consciousness is often clouded by impulse. But we don’t want impulsiveness to take over. Why is that so? 
Because some can dance, while others can’t. 








''...the fooool in my bed still believes every word you say..." 





2.18.2015

songs for man

I


Patience is a virtue; thank cosmos my mother was/is a garden junkie.


[ I am confused,
I do not remember you.

Oh!

I do not remember the coughs, I only recall buwaji, Sunny, lovers, walls, blankets, all of them and it, concerned over my chest noises.

I do not remember how you called out my name. My name has become foreign due to all these bideshi tongues. How did my name play your lips, I can't recall.

I do not remember kisses, were there any at all? Though so many kisses lived and died, I do not remember loving, most of all. ]




But underneath and undying, you are a seed. Who knows what flowers will bloom?







II



Five years is a long time.
While one month,
18 days is a long time too.

Let us live with elastic parameters,
because time, affection,
& longings remain relative.






III



I am fond of gardens, overalt.






We are cruel sometimes. 





5.25.2014

a cake for a cake


there were brick fences and plastic pipes
under the guava trees in our flight.
ladies with songs and kings with clowns
next to the comical backyard marathons.
 in sweaters we found muddy lints
my pleasurable little muffin kin.

soft speeches and puppies in pockets,
tank drawings and television sequence.
under chimneys and star gazing we held
coca cola in wine glass treasons. 
our childhood with fights and cries,
makes glee seem undignified. 

you may have blackmail complaints, 
I may have bigger lawsuits.
but your drawings were better,
while my speeches were glitters.


may you always have love tooth,
gnawing at your wisdom and fortitude.
maybe un-forgetting and never mending 
the fragments of nuisance and superman
flames, my little mouse brother 

you have turned another year again.  

4.24.2014

bye bye miasma


If you live with someone for a prolonged period of time, you tend to be incapable of seeing them for who they truly are. Their antics, somehow, find a way to normalize itself in your head. After all, what happens out in the world is often very different from how your mind tends to remember it. The process of truth building is very corrupt when emotional dependency overshadows any objectivity. All complaints and grievances slowly become a mild smell that you get used to. If at first you had any doubts about commitment, they collaborate with time to become invisible. This is what happens if you live with someone for a long, long time...

..maybe because the charms of the lover are so strong and shiny, they will cajole your purest intentions straight to purgatory.

..maybe the company of the lover makes the whole world fade away in its blazing trail and the emotional phenomenon becomes a grand musical.

..perhaps the lover's silence becomes even more mysterious with time, like an unexplored jungle that keeps exploding with strange noises and animal behaviour.

..maybe our weakness in the lover's presence makes our definitions about life so loud, that overtime we start thinking they are our reality.

Funny thing, this reality business. In retrospect, reality always is a contested piece of land, like Jerusalem. It has so many dimensions and claims on its existence that neither east or west, hard or mushy, intrepid or brittle can become its true identity. But when the love affairs spills itself all over your life, making you paralysed and depressed- it has to be dealt with.

So I did.

And today I am very proud to announce the end of my tumultuous love affair with insomnia, after almost a decade of having lived with it. It does feel wonderful to be able to sleep at 11 pm or 10 or 9 pm. I don't know how I feel about it, maybe because I just don't have any time to long for it since the emotional zombie in me has been medically killed. The newly prescribed sleeping pills feel like horse tranquillizers and I am just on 25 mg.

Rebound relationships are a necessity for cowards, they say.





Christian Schole





3.25.2014

re-installed blues

Dear rain-soaked old man,

A bizarre trajectory it is, your timing.
I was sitting with my head in my hands
looking at these dirty toes, the bare ground
underneath, the sun doing no harm and
having not done any good and out
of the blue in the lightest shade comes you. 

The delight and silent slithering of your
words crawled up my feet. They did.

But I restored my act of painting those
three twigs-yellow, they shall be wind
chimes I told myself an hour ago. And
half painted, half begun, half way done-
I broke them twigs. I threw the smoked butt
and lungs half in heart laughed at us both.

I guess we have all been lost somewhere
in these dull,commercial smells and sighs. 

So kathmandu's recent rain and days have
caught you in their midst? Oslo still pounds
beneath me.You spoke of rain, the cold, the
white beneath the blue while I have tales of
maybe sixteen tears I shed today thinkin
about home, the one that the world induced.

Home where the heart was, home where the
wifi don't work, home where the dogs lay, home
where garbage man comes with a whistling
finesse; yet when I am there I lay trapped in
the dust, the sound of horns, the lack of
light, the lack of trams and lack of sci-fi sights. 
Khai, I am in a strange turn right now. To
know what to do, where to be, how to be
and why it has to be is there- knowledge
is in abundance, but I just can't manage my
way around my own self. It is so very, very
strange - to be your own enemy and not fight. 

So today when I hate myself oh so very
much, in so many ways I read your words
and think- yes, darkness can be shared.

Remember, you mustn't  breeze through 
these clinical lines and smite. I did not intend 
to rhyme but I happen sometimes. 



Always,
Bombastic Soda Freak 

11.16.2013

heart is not a linear matter





he patiently sits
 for me to melt and ease;
as if his affections were made of heat 
and steel. in a letter, this week, he wrote
how he lives and memorizes every sight 
of kisses that my lips once planted on him.
life may be cold he said but until the
 yellow flowers live in that Japanese porcelain
he shall without grumbling wait. 

wait for breath and stars to fade.

















10.31.2013

erotic task of depression



we come back from away and dark 
because in the morning 
lover slowly tells soft stories of nightmares 


I

It had been a while since you lied to me. So a total surprise it was not
hearing you say allthosemagneticallymundanethingsonceagain.

In response, I found myself getting even more attracted to you. 





II

Absence of space denotes one large breath.

allthosemagneticallymundanethingsonceagain
onceallthosemagneticallymundancethingsagain
allthosethingsagainoncemagneticallymundane


Absence of one large breath denotes too much space in your head. 





III


This morning 
when the charcoal fanged stings of longings
 hit me 
in between my legs and emotional breath,
 I stoned myself to a noir comedy death. 

No wonder those words I uttered to you 
while I lay there now 
taste like stale bread. 







'you live just once, live a double life'



9.23.2013

no exit



tonight lust is ill aligned 

there is no fit so diminutive 
where it could ease into a fall,
or a squeeze. because suddenly
lust is so winsome with eager ways.
oh, do stay away. 

but look at it
pretty please look:
a general man
a gullible gorilla
  a sarcastic kitty
a misunderstood tea lady
 a rococo fiasco
a pencil strummed shriek
some borrowed lines 
 a second-hand trick   
the fragrant flags
some common likes
some silver bling
some wooden shine
a suede attitude
the cursory timeline
a photoshop'ed enigma
unmanned attitudes
forget all impressions.


you are so complaisant